It's a whole different me.
What I know about myself is that my body is in direct correlation to my mindset. When I am fit, I am in a good place. When I am not so fit, I am not in a great mental state. Despite an amazing therapist.
I know this about myself.
It gets frustrating watching myself gain and lose and gain and lose the same weight over and over. The first time I ever went to Weight Watchers, I was in my mid 20's.
We got married on the island of Jamaica and as I walked down the path towards him I can clearly remember the words, "what the fuck am I doing?!" going through my head.
On our third anniversary, I told him I wanted to get divorced. He said, "But I have tickets to Cats." So, we ate dinner at Charlie Brown's and went to see Cats. I can't say it was an amicable divorce, but it certainly wasn't brutal. We had no kids. We sold the house we built. I moved to Edison, New Jersey because I had dear friends who lived there. I rented an apartment that was brand spanking new and reasonable. I cut my commute by two and half hours!
I was, as you are now so aware (if you've been reading for a while), in love with love. The lessons I took away from this were:
- Go to Jamaica for a vacation, not a wedding ceremony.
- If you are walking down the aisle and your gut screams "NO!" - stop. It doesn't matter how much it has cost. Just stop.
- If you want a reception, you CAN do so without having a reception. Throw a kick-ass party and call it done.
- When you know you are marrying the wrong the person and you are waiting for the right one to read your mind and come back to stop you from doing this and save you from yourself, stop. He can't. Read your mind, that is. Pick up the phone and tell him. See if it really is too late for a relationship to rekindle. If it was that passionate to start, it might easily get that passionate again. Or not. I will never know as I didn't do that.
::: sigh :::
It's an ugly cycle. I think what makes it even uglier is I watch myself doing this like I am watching from above. It's not like anyone besides me does the food shopping. If there's crap in the house, rest assured I brought it in. If I cook food that is not optimal for my health, what am I going to do? Fire the chef? If I stop exercising, even under doctor's orders, but then I don't get my ass back in gear, whose fault is it? The doctor's? Of course not.
And once again, I lose THAT girl. The one in the picture who is begging to come back to life.
I am not so naive to think I can be her ever again. Time, circumstances, children, life lessons, have made that impossible. But I will do my very best to get close to her.
Thank you for being along for this ride. I really am doing what I can to love who I have been, who I am, and who I am becoming. Sincerely. I appreciate the companionship. xo
Dug my way out, Blood and fire
Bad decisions, That's alright
Welcome to my silly life.