Why do we behave the way we do?
Our goal that year was to make sense of human behavior. That's a tall task for a group of teenagers. I doubt we ever came to a conclusion.
As I have aged, I realize human behavior is OH so tricky and there are a myriad of reasons WHY we all do what we do.
As I was trying to figure out which teacher it was who wrote this, I took out my yearbook. I haven't looked at it since I started on Facebook in an effort to put names to faces. (Admit it, you did the same thing.)
It was interesting to read some of the signings in my book. Apparently the words, "unique," "one of a kind," "crazy," (presumably in a good way) and "free spirited" were just some of the words teachers used when writing about me. (I didn't read my friends notes - I am sure that is good for a whole 'nother post...) And THIS is the thought I had as I read the notes:
Where the hell did that girl go?
Was it my own behaviors that changed? Did I make the conscious decision to become different from whom I apparently was as a teen? Did the behaviors of others shape me? Did I roll with the punches of society and become more like everyone else? Did work, school, relationships - starting, ending, starting again - marriage (not once, but twice and quite nearly three times), having children, make the more authentic "me" disappear? Is who I am now the "real" me? Am I mish-mosh of every experience I have ever had? Of course I am.
WHY do I behave the way I do?
If I can't figure out ME, it is ridiculous for me to even consider trying to figure out anyone else, which amuses me to no end, because of course, I do. We all do.
This past year I have been working on the girl of my youth. I have been trying to bring her back with open arms. I have been trying to uncover the young girl who I buried in the need to be loved and accepted. I bury her with food ALL the time. THAT GIRL needs to break free and return to the behaviors that made her unique, one of a kind, free spirited and yes, crazy.
It is so much harder than anyone will ever admit to you. I am here, doing just that. It reminds me to make sure MY kids don't lose their innate selves. Because, trying to find it again is a bitch.
We change and evolve and make decisions that are well thought out or rash, some we are grateful for and some we are haunted by. It's what makes us human and makes us, "us."
I don't want to head into my mid 50's (good lord, I can't even stand that I just wrote that...) being someone I don't feel comfortable being. I want to be the person of my youth with the wisdom of my age. I don't want to sit in the status quo of my life - I want to experience life with zeal and wonder. I don't think it's too late.
THE only behavior I can do something about is my own. I'm on it.
PS - Candace, I love this song...
It's down deep inside of you
Amend your situation
Your whole life is ahead of you