Wednesday's tend to be my breakthrough days. The days when I physically train with Jen. Somehow, by doing that, I also release the stuff that's been building up in my head.
I have a busy head...
You may recall that last Wednesday I was a proverbial basket case. For this week, I sat and I thought and I journaled and I pulled cards and I realized I was full of shit in my own head about events that had occurred in my own life. I had made up an entire set of circumstances about being rejected that were not true. Well, they were my reality until I REALLY thought about it and I realized that in two of the three cases of feeling like I was being rejected, feeling like I wasn't good enough, feeling like I wasn't worthy, I was the one who actually did the rejecting. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Seriously. I had been having a pity-party for one for no real reason.
Each morning and evening I chat with my Board of Directors. (As always, eye rolling is perfectly acceptable at this point.) I discuss life with God, the gods, goddesses, angels, spirit guides, animal guides and anything or anyone else who wishes to represent me to the universe.
I happen to have one very powerful angel who makes himself known to me in various ways. Eagles swoop as I drive. Hawks circle in the sky. Butterflies follow me on the path at the river walk. The Train song, "Calling All Angels" comes on my iPod or Pandora. His name pops up while I am talking or thinking about him - on a building, on a billboard, in a magazine. He's the deceased brother of a friend. WHY he decided to perch in my world remains one of the most sincere, but delightful mysteries of the universe. We have MANY discussions while I drive. Thank goodness for Bluetooth technology, otherwise people would absolutely think I am totally batty. I yell at him. I cry with him. I tell him to take care of my friend. It's all good.
Well, the morning I figured all of this out, my world went crazy - eagles, the song and his name all made themselves known to me like a winning machine in a casino. It was like he was clapping, saying, "FINALLY! You figured out that YOU too played a part in this rejection theory." Even my angels are sarcastic.
Just so you know...
I think I finally get it. Not all rejections are actually rejections. Some feelings of rejection are totally made up. In this case, I swear I don't know why it played out the way it did in my head. My best guess is self preservation.
I need to give credit to the person who I thought rejected me. They honored my wishes to be left alone when I was very vulnerable. They honored my wishes for a very long time. And when we did communicate again, it was ME, interestingly, who initiated it. Now, in a role reversal, I am doing the honoring and leaving them alone. Because I love them. I always have. I always will. And that's my lesson.
Because the lesson, well, the lesson is always love...