This morning we get on the road and head to Rochester. Peter is heading to college. He is the last of his friends to leave and he has been chomping at the bit to get the heck out of here.

I am certain I will miss him. He's a great kid. He's funny. He does what you ask him to do with a minimum of fuss. He's good company. He plays with the dog. A lot.

This is his time to shine, and I can't wait to see the changes in him. He's already awesome, I don't know if I will be able to stand even more awesome.

All love, Pedro!
Love,
Your Mommy

Dream on, dream on, dream on,
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on,
And dream until your dream come true

http://youtu.be/hHRNSeuvzlM

Here's the thing about attitude...it can bite you in the ass.

As a teenager, I heard the words, "You need an attitude adjustment," more times than I could count. I didn't "get" that. What they HELL did that mean? I was F-I-N-E. Obviously, my mother was crazy. (Insert fingers tapping on the kitchen table, right leg bouncing at a furious pace and requisite eye roll...)

Now I have teenagers.
And have lived a few more years.
I GET IT.

I have also heard, "It's not WHAT you say, it's HOW you say it," oh, I don't know, thirty zillion times in my life.

I am a lot more cognizant of HOW I say stuff now, and I make a sincere effort not to sound bitchy. With that said I do have one small caveat: ALL BETS ARE OFF IF I AM HUNGRY.

We have all heard the sayings:
We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.
~ Abraham Lincoln

When life hand you lemons, make lemonade.

Look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else.
~ Tom Stoppard

Turn that frown upside down.

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
~ Marcus Aurelius

Blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes, we are just cranky. And THAT'S OK. As long as we don't take it out on our peeps. But we will. And we do. And in the end, they usually stick with us, mostly because we feed them and give them cash, but still, every once in a while, I hear Peg in my head reminding me I need an attitude adjustment and I do so.

Own your attitude whether it's fabulous or not so fabulous. And then redirect it if you think it will make you happier.

xo

These changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
Through all of the islands and all of the highlands
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane

http://youtu.be/IpsTRbJKoa0

The past nine weeks have been a jumble of doctor appointments, therapy sessions - Occupational Therapy, Massage Therapy, Mental Health Therapy, with an occasional foray into the salon.

The women who are my therapists are making me whole, one day at a time.

It is hard to go from 100 MPH to zero.
It's harder still to go from zero back up to even 50 MPH.

At a time when journaling by hand without stopping would be THE best thing for me, I am reminded how fragile I am. I become far too fatigued to write for a long time.

STILL...

I am concentrating a bit more on my story these past few days. I am remembering to acknowledge every little thing is going to be alright, including my arm, with the help of Laura and Jen and Cathy and all the other magnificent illustrators I interact with.

Keep writing your stories no matter what the circumstance.
You owe it to yourself.

xo

It's my life 
And it's now or never 
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever 
I just want to live while I'm alive 
It's my life 

http://youtu.be/vx2u5uUu3DE

EVERY person I know has a myriad of stories trapped inside of them.

Some are made up but SO many are true.

It the true stories that get stuck in our gut and help create who we are and why we behave the way we do.

I am a curious person. I am a good listener. Years of interrupting have taught me to let a person finish. Well, that and the rule from group therapy that until it's my turn to speak, shut up.

By listening, I can hear what the other person has to say. On the phone, sometimes people think I am not there; I have learned to stay with a story.

Each of us is important enough to get the floor.

Conversation happens after the story.

There are, however, a few people in my life where the conversations are hilarious in that they start off at point A and then zigzag to point C and then W and then back to A. We are all over the map. But we get to where we started and I know I always feel validated by their listening and I hope they feel the same way.

Bill Buckley, my dad, was a great believer of the line, "The truth shall set you free." 

Sometimes, I waver between does it set me free or will it set off a chain reaction of emotion I am not ready to cope with yet. When the answer is a chain reaction, I know I am not fully up to the task.

I tell my story in bits and pieces. Sometimes my voice is loud and proud and sometimes is is trembling with fear. I just keep telling it.

A lot of the time I am only telling my stories to my therapist and my journal. That's perfectly OK for me at this point in my life.

Tell your story. It's brilliant.

xo

'N so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
'N I, I'm feeling a little peculiar
'N so I wake in the morning and I step outside
'N I take a deep breath
'N I get real high
'N I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on

http://youtu.be/6NXnxTNIWkc

This is a tremendous version by P!nk
http://youtu.be/djHoYhIwiKE

May we all find freedom from whatever it is that has us tethered. 

It's Friday.

Dance it out.

xo

This is the part when I say I don't want it
I'm stronger than I've been before
This is the part when I break free
Cause I can't resist it no more

http://youtu.be/2Ek3WMM7I-0

I have spent 18 years watching Peter and his friends grow up.

I have spent 18 years commiserating with parents about raising these kids.

From diapers to diplomas.

I would like to take a moment to say to my friends, "The kids are alright. We did OK. They are off on their next big adventure. Roots and wings."

I had the privilege of saying, "Take care, have fun, be safe," to a bunch of the boys yesterday. I am thrilled they stopped by and I can't wait to have the big galoots back in the house again at Thanksgiving. 

In the order that they met...

I have known Corey since infancy. He was with Peter at day care, where he was never a little boy, entering the world at over 11 pounds and still growing at 6'7" tall (or something crazy like that!). Corey is hilarious. He is a trusted friend. He leaves on Sunday for Iona College to go forth and take the world by storm. He promises to stop by for the occasional Sunday dinner (he is obviously going to bringing it as I don't "do" Sunday dinner) to check in. He and Peter talk of working together in the future as they are both studying accounting. That would be something, right?!

I met Allie the day her parents, and all the grandparents (obviously, Italian), came to look at the house across the street. She was just one and too adorable. It has been a joy to watch her through the years - from the times we couldn't say her name to now - a gorgeous, sweet, quiet and determined young woman with an amazing amount of patience and kindness. (I don't live with her - she could be a pain in the ass at home, but out in the world, she is nothing short of delightful.) Allie is heading to Manhattan College today and I wish her nothing but brilliant adventures.

Brian and Peter became fast friends in kindergarten. They spent a lot of time together and would often argue. (Not a lot has changed.) Brian went home and told his mom they were fighting at school. Fran, being a logical mom, told Brian to just stay away from Peter for a little while if they were irritating each other. Brian, being four, told Peter he couldn't play with him any more - his mother said to stay away from him. Poor Peter came home devastated. Me, being a logical mom as well, figured out what Fran had said and explained it to Peter and then called Fran. They have been thick as thieves ever since. We have skied with them since the boys were in middle school so we have spent some serious family time together. Brian hits the road today to the University of Buffalo. He is a charming young man who will go far because he shakes hands like nobody's business and looks you in the eye every time he sees you. He has never come into the house without kissing me hello and goodbye.

Ben, AKA Skippy is one of the funniest of the boys. He seriously just cracks me up. When he and Peter were younger they worked at a camp and I would pick up Ben on the way to drive them there. He was always waiting in the driveway, in a skippy pair of shorts, (hence the name) while bouncing around like Tigger waiting for us. We once went to the beach and before we hit the corner of the street, he texted me from the back seat..."Are we there yet?" (It was a long ride...) Ben works as a golf caddy which has made him stealthy; he leaves the house before anyone else is awake to get to work for the 5:00AM T-times. Ben loves a good nap! He heads to St. Bonaventure today and I know without a shadow of a doubt he will do tremendously.

Brendon, AKA Eddie Haskell, is Peter's friend who has always made me smile. "Hello Mrs. Pinque. How are you Mrs. Pinque." (These days he just calls me Mom.) He always has a twinkle in his eye. Brendon is a hilarious dinner guest and unfailingly polite. He tells wild stories and is a true blue friend. Wavering between college versus the Marines, as a mama, I am extraordinarily relieved he is headed to Herkimer College today. He is off to study Criminal Justice and is well equipped to handle that route.

Nikki, Peter's girlfriend, is heading to UCONN on Friday. It has been such fun to watch these two enjoy a really nice relationship. Classmates since middle school, they have been friends for a long time. Nikki cheered Peter's football number this past year and that sealed the deal - they have been dating ever since. I enjoy watching them interact - they are good for each other. There isn't a lot of drama and that's always a positive sign. Although they are dating now, they a both want to take the time to enjoy the college experience and meet new people. That's the hard part of high school relationships. I know that Nikki will have a spectacular time in college because that is just the kind of person she is - fun, witty, caring, kind, the mother of the group and smart as all get out.

I am thrilled for ALL of our kids heading off - near and far. It has been nice to read the Facebook posts. I can't wait to see how they grow these next few years.

My only true regret is that I didn't go away to college.
(Trust me, I know not all kids are college material - I was and I didn't go and if you've been here long enough you know the deal.)

I am vicariously living through these first few weeks with them. May they soar. May they thrive. May they not need money.

All love you amazing people. All love!

xo

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 
Into the future 
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 
Into the future 

http://youtu.be/pTDZHBTB67Y

I am continuing on my quest for happy moments.
Happy days.
Happy thoughts.
Happy pictures.

Share them.

I know there have been moments of pure awesome in the past couple of weeks for many people.

THANK YOU to those of you who shared your happy.

I love this kind of sharing!

From Lisa:
I experienced PURE JOY on Saturday night watching my kids dance together for hours at a Quinceañera! They laughed, joked and completely enjoyed each other's company with no bickering, arguing or attitudes. I can't even begin to describe how incredible it made me feel that night and beyond. It showed me that even though they have their moments they have an amazing bond. It continues to make me happy to think about that evening.

From Sheila:
Skyping with my daughter on Friday after her first class as a freshman at Cape Fear Community College...she was beaming and we were so happy.

From Pam:
Happiness and joyful moments are coming in the form of mixed blessing tomorrow when I send my daughter out into the world to experience college life...I don't like the term empty nest, my house will be far from empty and my life albeit a little more hectic but looking forward to it all.....

For the most part, Peter's friends do not read this blog. So yesterday, when they pulled into the driveway, I smiled to myself when this song was blasting out of the car.

xo

Listen to what I say, "In your life expect some trouble,
but when you worry you make it double"
Don't worry, be happy, be happy now
Don't worry, be happy

http://youtu.be/d-diB65scQU

The news, as we all know, has been particularly harrowing.

Last week, after watching the news in the morning, my friend Lain wrote this on her Facebook feed:

I totally agree with Lain.

I work really hard to keep lots of positive thoughts going and so today, I am turning the blog over to YOU.

Yes, you.

You know who you are...I can call you out if I need to.

Wherever it is you are reading this, take a moment or two and share what is bringing you joy.

We can make our own happiness by reading about others.

I promise. 

Thanks, Lain for the inspiration!

xo

Music today ~ toe tapping old school fun!

Walkin' On Sunshine
Walkin' On Sunshine
I feel alive, I feel a love
I feel a love that's really real
I feel alive, I feel a love
I feel a love that's really real
I'm on sunshine baby (whoa, oh yeah)
I'm on sunshine baby (whoa)

http://youtu.be/05JU7HdcIck

Who among us has NOT built a wall around some part of our life, psyche, or heart at some point in our lives? (If anyone reading this can say, "not me" you are reading the wrong blog!)

Pain requires a wall. We build it brick by velvet brick. Most of the time, we aren't even aware we've built it. It's a protective mechanism and we sometimes have to fight our own thoughts to remove it.

My wall is ALWAYS my body. Some convoluted part of me thinks that if I am larger than I should be, I will protect myself from pain, hurt and sadness.

Let me state to you, loud and clear, this is bullshit.
Intellectually I realize this.
Emotionally, I eat away my pain.

It is mighty tasty, but it doesn't stop pain.

Exercise is the antidote. 

Eating right is the bigger antidote.

Hence, therapy.
Hence, journaling.
Hence, this blog.

The bricks are hard to knock down. They have been built tirelessly over the years. I am so tired of them being here. My journey continues as I knock them down and work to keep them down.

We can work on it together.

xo

How could anyone ever fight it
Who could ever expect to fight it when she
Builds that wall

http://youtu.be/9pCXu5zg-F8

I have waxed poetic about this for, I don't know, forever.

The voices in our heads have so much power.

The voices in the media have equal amounts of power.

My only suggestion is this: be as healthy as you can be. Sometimes, it will be easy. Sometimes it will suck.

I would give myself an "A" for mental health care. I have a fluctuating grade for body care. Food choices - well today, let's not go there.

If you're mindful (ha!) it will be easier.

Friday's dance music brought to you courtesy of Bella. She insisted I watch this (you should too) and more importantly, that I listen to it.

Go forth and dance - it will put you closer to that "A" for body care!

xo

Yeah it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
All the right junk in all the right places
I see the magazines working that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
Come on now, make it stop
If you got beauty beauty just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top

http://youtu.be/7PCkvCPvDXk

This week has been an emotional, confusing, are you fucking kidding me, kind of news week. It has taken a toll on many, myself included.

It has provoked discussions with my kids about all kinds of issues - most notably depression and suicide. At one point last night I passionately said something like, "You are young, you have a nice life, you have not suffered any real major losses or lived through anything horrifying, so I will grant you a pass at your broad judgments and hope you never have to live through anything that takes you down at your knees." 

I could have gone all table thumping, yelling, and righteous, but it wouldn't teach anything. 

I think the tears in my eyes were enough.

I "knew more" than they do at their ages. There were a few more stumbling blocks I had to overcome. In no way do I wish them that.

It is lovely that innocence is still a part of my kids lives. 

And so yes, I try to be mindful. I try to be present. I am really very non judgmental (those skeletons lurk very close to the front of my closet).

I need to think about the future so I have something to shoot for. I need to remember the past so I don't always keep making the same mistakes. And when I trip and fall, because I often trip and fall, I TRY to be kind to myself because the voice in my head can be a vicious voice.

Reality can really toy with you.

May your attempts at mindfulness be greater than any voice in your head.

xo

If I spend the five minutes just BEing while this song plays, it is, in fact, practicing mindfulness. You do it too.

http://youtu.be/u9IPxZkzU3o

Our own AMY - the woman who has the biggest heart we know, even if it's not beating on it's own, became a grandma this morning. She is 40, so grandma isn't working for her. She's going with Mimi. Which is damn cute.
(FYI: if you search "AMY" in the search bar you can read ALL about Amy and WHY she is OUR Amy!)

In the midst of all the madness in the world, new life has entered and really, isn't that exactly what we all need? Joyous news!

Meet Hadley Jane AKA Haddie
August 13, 2014
2:04AM
9 pounds 14 ounces (!!)
21 inches

Congratulations to Makenzie & Justin Tingle ~ proud parents
Amy & Jeff Anders ~ super group grandparents
The uncles three: Colton, Evan & our JAKE
And everyone else who adores the whole family!

All love from all of us at TGHR to all of you!

xo

And oh when she'll open her eyes
There'll be no surprise
That she'll grow to be
So beautifully
Just like her mother

http://youtu.be/gSELjm2eGNM

I was stunned to read about Robin Williams last night. Utterly flabbergasted, and oh. so. sad.

Depression lies. Depression sucks. Depression makes you feel like you are alone even if you are surrounded by people who care about you. I wrote about it HERE.

Jenny Lawson, The Bloggess has written numerous posts on depression, sometimes while she in the midst of a particularly harrowing episode. THIS post is well worth your time.
[UPDATED to include THIS post from Jenny as well.)

The bitch about depression is it can't be seen with the naked eye.

Depression attacks you from the inside out. There is the great line, "When does it hurt?...Only when I laugh."

People who are seemingly happy often suffer from depression. It is a lonely disease that plays mind games with you.

When the meds work, EVERYTHING is fine.
And so you stop taking the meds.
Because, of course, everything is fine.
And then everything is fucked up.
Times ten.
In cycles.

As alone as you feel, you are not.

Somewhere there is someone who adores you. There is someone who loves YOU. There is someone SO willing to lend you the shoulder to cry on, the hand to hold, the ear to listen.

I promise this.

They will be with you and take you by the hand, if need be, to a doctor, a therapist, the park, the beach.

Last night Jenny posted this link to Wikipedia with the numbers for Suicide Crisis Lines around the globe. I know I have readers outside of the USA, and god knows, depressions doesn't give a shit where you live, so I am linking it here too. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

You. Beautiful, amazing, radiant, talented, unique, fantabulous you have SO MUCH to offer this world.

xo

LOCAL HELP available from MY therapist, Cathy, and the staff
The Lighthouse Retreat & Wellness Center
1392 Albany Post Rd
Croton, NY 10520
914-589-7188

I'm sitting in the clouds today
I hope to God it doesn't rain
Everyone's got problems and I know
I've got mine
But at least I've got the stars with me

http://youtu.be/Z4l3uthZ-N8

Well now, this is a quote that is thought provoking.

Simple.

To the point.

And so eloquent.

xo

Magnificent Monday instrumental.

http://youtu.be/GCabUnJAKe4

I do love a full moon. I love knowing that no matter in the world you and someone else are seeing exactly the same thing. 

Embrace the beauty, manifest new beginnings and run to meet it.

A classic.

http://youtu.be/VHBX0813MXc

This has been a harsh week news wise.

On FB, I removed everything news related and kept only my friends, family and "feel good" stuff. I stopped following anything disturbing.

If I want to be disturbed, I can go to Twitter where there is an endless litany of all news all the time and yes, it's the stuff I have chosen to follow.

What I will NOT and cannot stop following is Brandon Stanton, the amazing young man who created Humans of New York AKA HONY.

He asks questions of people that evoke beautiful responses. Many cut you down at your knees and you think to yourself, "I'm complaining about blahblahblah and there are people who make you gasp at the pain in their lives." There are the people where, literally, the whole world waits to see the responses to see if the guy heard from the girl. There are the kids. The animals. The unseen who are seen through his lens.

I gave at least ten copies of his book as gifts last year.

A picture CAN tell a thousand words.

I urge you, if you haven't already, to become enriched by his work.
Brandon is in Iraq these past two days and has been deeply affected by the people. The comments on these particular photos range from mild to extremist - reading them educates me in ways the news simply cannot.

I loved this response on Facebook from a follower to one of today's pictures.

Website: http://www.humansofnewyork.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork
Twitter: https://twitter.com/humansofny
Instagram: http://instagram.com/humansofny

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

http://youtu.be/r00ikilDxW4

This morning, I came downstairs to tonight's dinner already made. I made pulled pork overnight in the crock pot. So easy! (I use pork loin, 2 thinly sliced yellow onions and one bottle of Stewart's root beer) I pulled it, added the barbecue sauce and now we wait. I'll make some cole slaw and baked beans and we'll be good to go.

I went to OT nice and early. Laura, my OT is going on vacation next week so I will working out with a new therapist for the week. Me, Neffie and my elbow. Should be a good time.

Claire picked me up and we headed to Stew Leonard's in Yonkers - a place that causes me to twitch a little. There was a guy in there who was hooting and hollering "Woo-Hoo thank you Stew" over and over and over and for the life of me I couldn't find duct tape. I did pick up some buffalo chicken-bacon-mac 'n cheese for the children and lobster rolls for the adults making it a very productive trip. OH (!) and oatmeal - love their steel cut oats.

I had a riveting lunch with my children where we discussed fan fiction. Apparently, there are 12 year old's writing porn. Really? HOW? I was leveled by a look from Peter that basically said, "Are you kidding me?" These young kids are so much less innocent than I ever was. I actually feel a little sorry for them.

I need to go put my arm in it's state of the art sling to keep it getting straighter.

Since it's Friday, I'll dance a little dance first.

xo

We staked out on a mission to find our inner peace
Make it everlasting so nothing's incomplete
It's easy being with you, sacred simplicity
As long as we're together, there's no place I rather be

http://youtu.be/cUC_rzsiua8

Stinkin' thinkin'. We all do it. Some of us are better at keeping it at bay than others.

I am usually pretty positive. But six weeks of being home is starting to wear on me.

I am finally getting out a little here and there. OT three days a weeks. Massage one day a week; don't get jealous of the massage - Jen beats my body in order to break down the scar tissue and to combat the fatigue in my body. I did go to see Shyla. I do get to the salon.

It's not the same.

I am still limited.

I am living in a man-made mess as Peter gets ready to leave for college. I have my own mess in the dining room, the kitchen and the not so magical Magic Basement. Bella still hasn't unpacked from Alaska. The plants at the front door died. The dog certainly never learned to pick up after himself.

There is shit from one end of the house to the other.

It's getting on my nerves.

Normally, I would just tidy it up and be done with it. I don't even have the get up and go to do that.

::: sigh :::

I have required more sleep than a baby. I got up early (for me) today - before 9:00. I have a couple of errands to run and then I will just figure out a way to get this place neat as a pin. I will set a timer for 30 minutes and see what everyone together can accomplish. Once it's tidy I am sure I will get out of this mood.

Let's face it...I am going to miss Peter's mess...maybe.

Breathe.
xo

Ouch I have lost myself again 
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, 
Yeah I think that I might break 
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

http://youtu.be/SFGvmrJ5rjM

It is somewhat amusing that 90 minutes of OT and 90 minutes at the salon can wipe me out.

This morning I received a new state of the art splint that's sole purpose is to stretch and lengthen my arm. It a custom made splint that looks like something that could possibly used in the Red Room from 50 Shades of Gray. It is that wild.

Later this evening I head out to dinner to celebrate the success that was LIVE way back in March. It takes us a while to get it together. I look forward to toasting our night.

Interacting with all kinds of people reminds me that not everyone will always "get" my vibes or appreciate them or even like them. At 53 I am delighted to say I am A-OK with that. I will keep doing my thing and whoever can get something from it will.

You keep doing YOUR thing too! 

xo

I would LOVE and appreciate it if you could take a moment to send some love to my friend Cathi. She is having a lot of tests done on her thyroid. They aren't certain what the outcome will be, but even the tests hurt like hell - no matter how they try to block the pain. She will keep me apprised of how it's going and in turn I will share it with you. Love, healing and positive vibes.

xo

Think Positive
(WooHoo)
Of how good life is
(WooHoo)
Everything happens for a reason on this journey of life

http://youtu.be/Z_aH1z8f6Hk

[ ] Panera's for lunch
[ ] Sam's Club to get dinner and food for the people
[ ] REST - this small bit of stuff will exhaust me

It's Monday.

I've got to get a move on it. I'm sure you are already up and running. An achy body needs a crazy amount of rest, so I sleep later than I think I did as a teenager.

Enjoy your Monday.

xo

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul

http://youtu.be/o_1aF54DO60