It's been QUITE the week. 

All I can say, is seriously, thank god it is nearly done. 

I am emotionally fried, finished, used up, tapped out.

Big love to my mama, my sister Jane, my friends. You know who you are.

Thank you to Cara. Yoga, really, grounds me.

I love you all.

I am here NOW.

I must have listened to 20 songs before deciding on THIS one. If only I could remember the steps. Tapping my way to the weekend...
http://youtu.be/_bpS-cOBK6Q
I laughed. I cried. I said I love you.

• Strength
  
• Pain
  
• Love
  
• Starting Over...Again
  
• Worthiness
  
• Joy

These are all recurring themes on this blog. I get so tired of taking two steps forward and three steps back. And then I think, well, at least I keep moving forward. 

I believe the proliferation of quotes, pictures, songs, and books about these feelings make them OH so universal.

My mother reminds me that our life work is never really done. There is always another layer to peel back. I always hope, maybe this layer won't be as thick as the last one and so perhaps, maybe I won't cry, hurt or fill in the blank as much as I did last time. 

From my own experience, I can share I tackled more than one emotional land mine in this past year. The biggest of all was a doozy and frankly, I am still tackling it. At this point in time, it still can bring me to my knees, but I am so freaking cried out from it I feel like there's nothing left to cry about. It is, what it is. 

Feelings just are. They don't require an explanation, but my heart would REALLY like one.

::: sigh :::

As I tackle yet another emotional roller-coaster kind of week, I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. Pains affect us all. I go to many other blogs for my inspiration; for my spiritual uplifting; comfort.

My goal here has always been to share. To profess as loud as I can that love always wins. That living in the present moment is a goal of mine but it. is. hard. I love when I get a comment or a like or a text or a call from someone telling me that read what I wrote and they got it. None of us are alone. I am thankful everyday for the gift of this blog and the ability I have to just write and share and perhaps, just maybe, make a difference in my little corner of cyberspace.

Here's to life. And love. xo

I caught up with SMASH on Hulu yesterday. THIS version of this song knocked my socks off my feet (even though I was wearing flip-flops). 
I must have listened to it twenty times since then. 

Cause love's such an old fashioned word 
And love dares you to care 
For people on the edge of the night 
And love dares you to change our way 
Of caring about ourselves 

http://youtu.be/ZZfkOYCNz10

I am. I am. I am.

You are. You are. You are.

There is so much I could write about this one picture. Instead, I am just going to THINK about it. For the whole day. I invite you to do the same.

Let's meet back here tomorrow. We'll talk more then.

xo

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has it's own way of takin' it's sweet time
No, life ain't always beautiful
But I know I'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

http://youtu.be/0VDNMtn0t2A
xoxo Anita

I have absolutely fallen emotionally. Some days WAY more than seven times. The way I comfort myself when I fall is with food. It is a vicious cycle; one I am determined to stop. I know I have fallen more than seven times on this roller coaster ride of eating. I know I am not alone in this craziness. I am disciplined about so much and I utterly fall apart when it comes to food. Seriously. Is there nothing a carb can't fix?

Well, the answer is at the end of the day, when the carb puffiness is evident in my face, and my waistline, that wasn't a terribly effective way of dealing with whatever it is that made me go on autopilot to the pantry. Doing the mindless pantry walk. We've all done all - grab something without even looking. Eat it without thinking about it. It tastes good for sixty seconds and then I'm looking for something else.

Can you imagine what this was like before therapy for me? Exactly. It was an up and down of a fifty to sixty pounds versus five, ten, or even twenty.

And so, today, I begin again. 

::: sigh ::: 

As I have said, the past year (let's face it, ten years) have been fraught with emotional upheaval that I hadn't really ever addressed. Truthfully. To myself. Now that I have begun, I can see that I have really only scratched the surface; I still have a lot to deal with. And that's OK.

I will stand the eighth time.

Stand in the place where you live
http://youtu.be/AKKqLl_ZEEY

My father was in the navy. My brother was in the navy. I am proud of them and what they did for our country. 

Since 1775, a total of 2,717,991 young, scared, and brave, men and women, have lost their lives fighting for my freedom. Fighting in a war America was involved in. I must confess, I do take it for granted. Certainly not on purpose. Living my everyday life; able to come and go as I please, able to write what I want, able to photograph what I want - those are freedoms our ancestors may not have always had. In other countries these freedoms are not taken for granted because they don't exist.

I  know a lot of military people who gave of themselves for my life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Not everyone was involved during times of war. But they were all prepared to do so.

Over two million people never came home.

My friend Mike wrote this on FB this morning. I can't say it better.
"These men and women didn't return home to their parents, spouses and children. They didn't have the opportunity to fulfill their dreams and finish out their lives. They did this when their country requested them to defend and protect it and to maintain the way of life that is envied by every other country on Earth. Saying Thank You doesn't seem enough."

Thank You.
http://youtu.be/G3JnexsN4oc

Every so often, music inspires the blog. That is the case today.

I know I have mentioned I have an amazing support system. I never take it for granted; it is women and men from all walks of life. And yet, within the support system, there are different layers.

I am part of a remarkable group of women who meet once a month. This morning was our last meeting. It was poignant. It was profound. It was exactly right. What I love about this group is that it is not a therapy group. It is really an empowerment group. We listen. We interject. We all have our uniquely different experiences. We learn from each other. We call each other on our stuff. We encourage each other. We make suggestions.

Today, I was reminded, in the kindest of ways, that, to coin my friend Jen Louden's phrase, I am playing emotional whack-a-mole. I hide my vulnerability behind humor. I let very few people all the way in to witness said vulnerability. It takes a lot for me to shed the "got it altogether" persona and just fall apart. 

I will tell you my story if you ask (and sometimes even if you don't), but it will be the funny version. Not the crying version. Not the emotionally charged version.

Pat Monahan, the lead singer of Train, wrote this song about his mom after her death. The lyrics, "now that she's back in the atmosphere," came to him in a dream. The song came together overnight. He imagined her spirit as always being with him.

Today, someone shared what they wanted to be grateful for at the end of their life. It got me thinking.

At the end of my life, I want to be grateful for the connections. For the tears. For the love. For the chance to dance along the milky way. 

The best way for me to get to that point is to be vulnerable. To stop playing emotional whack-a-mole; to feel to the greatest depth I can; to allow myself to cry my eyes out; to cease and desist using food as a crutch; to remember that crying will not kill you; to know that joy is so very important on this ride called life; to make certain I take the time to appreciate what is here and now - NOT what was, and certainly, not what might be.

I'm off to take a soul vacation.

As always, feel free to share. xo

The best soy latte that you ever had...and me.
http://youtu.be/7Xf-Lesrkuc

Here in NY we aren't looking at water quite that blue or enticing. We went from 80 degrees to 53 rainy degrees practically overnight. 

Still, it is a three day weekend and I am certain it will be enjoyable.

Drink your coffee, sip a cocktail, have some lemonaide and relax with this song. You are going to want to listen to this a lot. A. LOT.
http://youtu.be/Ln_aerlFGhA

You be the sun,
 I'll be the moon - 
  Just let your light
   come shining through;
and when night comes,
 just like the moon,
  I'll shine the light
   right back to you.

Today there is a full moon leading up to Memorial Day weekend. 

I wonder how many people have used the stars, and the moon, as the place to look up and KNOW the person they love is looking at the exact same thing? I would bet it is trillions. Especially the people in the service who are so far away from home.

Bless them all for fighting for our freedom and standing up to the tyrannies in the world. We are safer, stronger and better due to their sacrifices.

How much do I love this song?! I haven't heard it in years!
http://youtu.be/egaMwsb-TlI
Let's put all the cares behind us
And go where they'll never find us
I just want to be there beside you
When the night comes

This morning I walked the river. Oh so s-l-o-w-l-y. Because I was walking so slowly I was able to answer neglected emails. I was able to delete stuff I no longer needed. I used the river as my office. 

I was sent an awesome article by a friend that literally made me rethink, AGAIN, how I am working TGHR and marketing myself. I am grateful to have well-read friends who send me articles from sites I wouldn't normally frequent; it allows me to look at my business from a new point of view.

This afternoon I am excited about an opportunity that will change my daily life in a great way. I am going to be doing something new for the first time and I couldn't be more excited to give it a shot. (Details when it's a done deal.)

Life really is a daring adventure. Sometimes I need to remind myself.

I wish you an adventurous day.

When was the last time you did something new?
http://youtu.be/h6z27l_KUmw

I saw the video below on my friend's FB page on Mother's Day. I laughed and shared it on my FB wall. But more importantly, I was grateful for it.

In general, I like to believe I understand men. I like them. I have fun with them. They make me laugh. They make me cry. They make me crazy. Most of the guys I know aren't the lugs portrayed in the mass generalizations.

A long time ago, an enlightened guy friend told me he puts events away in boxes in his head.

Really? 

I don't have a box. I don't compartmentalize. I just keep thinking and adding to the mayhem that is already swirling around in my head.

Even before I watched the video, the Grateful Dead song "Box of Rain" represented the putting away of "stuff" in a guys head to me. 
(You have figured out by now it always comes down to a song, right?)

It doesn't mean I understood the box(es), but I needed the visual. 

I will never have a box. 

The video proves it.

Here's to the differences between men and women. 

Long may we try to "get" each other.

A box of rain will ease the pain,
And love will see you through.
(Isn't it ALWAYS about the love?!)
http://youtu.be/NwhktLINnjo

I went to bed last night overwhelmed by the destruction in Oklahoma. This morning, I turned on Good Morning America. What a devastating, heartbreaking, brutally sad reality those poor people woke up to. The Plaza Towers school. Twenty kids. I. Can't. 

Bless the amazing, brave first responders. True heroes.

In October, our area was hit hard by Hurricane Sandy. A friend who has done extensive work for Habitat for Humanity in Breezy Point, NY shared on FB last week that there is still an enormous amount of clean-up left to do in Queens. I have friends in Massapequa whose neighborhoods are still barren of neighbors as their homes get rebuilt. The beaches aren't quite ready just yet. Boardwalks are still left to be built.

There are still parts of New Orleans left to be rebuilt.

Mother Nature is a ferocious force to be reckoned with. We can't control the weather. We can control how we react. I am going to keep sending love. It's all I can do.

A vibrant instrumental by Yanni.
It seemed like the perfect music for the morning.http://youtu.be/IbUweWYrAVA

Now that all the crap is out of my basement, I have been spending a lot of time here NOT clearing out. 
Rather, I have been thinking. Writing. Pinning over 100 "M's" on Pinterest last night. (It started out innocently enough, with one, and the next thing I knew, I was up to 117.) Attempting to recover unrecoverable files. Folding laundry (totally un-Zenlike). Paying bills. (twice as un-Zenlike). 
And, I realized, hiding, again.

Ugh. Just when I think I have moved on from "stuff," I realize I am still like that hamster, going in circles on a wheel to nowhere. It is horribly frustrating when it strikes me that I am in "that place" again. However, THIS time, I surrendered to the truth that I need to decompress, evaluate and look at myself from the inside out.

It took me several weeks. It took a few bad night's of sleep. It took some crazy-ass dreams. 

What really made me sit-up and take notice was that I was SNEAKING food down here. Who the hell was I hiding it from? The Jen's? Myself? 

::: sigh ::: 

When I realized that, I realized I needed to actually get the hell OUT of the Magic Basement. When it becomes my hiding spot I know I need to make some changes. The best part of that sentence is that I actually have recognized this and know I have got to get the hell out of here.

I need people. I need to be busy. I need to chat. I need to move. I also know I need down time and I have now had enough. I am hopeful some job opportunities will pan out for me. THAT will get me out of the house and moving again.

I am really happy I have learned enough about myself to figure all of this out without totally spiraling into the pit of despair. I have been there. I don't like it there. It is dark and lonely and isolating.

I know I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. 

Feel free to share if you are so inclined.

It seemed like the perfect song for this rainy Monday.
http://youtu.be/gH476CxJxfg

It is 4:00 on the rainy afternoon.

I didn't wake up until 11:30.

I did put on clothes - OK, it's yoga pants, so that is almost like pj's. Bella is under covers and in her jammies; she took this message to heart. 

We are ODing on TV today. I get totally sucked into TLC and all the brides dress shows. I love watching the drama; it cracks me up. It is mindless and makes chopping veggies a lot less boring. Spoiled girls slay me. Southern daddies, especially daddies who are preachers, really shouldn't be allowed to come to the bridal showroom. Bringing more than four people makes for far too many opinions. Bella has decided she will go dress shopping by herself. (Sure she will...)

UPDATED TO ADD: the groom should not go dress shopping with the entourage.

Wedding dresses and jammies.

That's the kind of Sunday we're having here.

I hope yours is as much fun!

Coldplay - found via the search feature on iTunes. I was actually looking for a jazz instrumental and this came up.
http://youtu.be/QpbSQFJ4EEc

Here's an instrumental with just the refrain. I really like it too.
http://youtu.be/NFFD3stTWrU

We started the day with the Girls Varsity Lacrosse Sectionals. It was a beautiful morning and, for the most part, an outstanding game. It was a frustrating loss - at least one really bad call and frankly, the other teams ability to keep the ball down by the goal and run the clock...for more than 10 minutes total. There were tears from our girls, but they still came out with their heads held high.

When I got home I read this on the team FB wall:
Strength and courage aren't always measured in medals and victories. They are measured in struggles they overcome. The strongest people aren't always the people who win, they are the people who don't give up when they lose.

I can say with 100% sincerity that the girls played their hearts out. I can also attest that although they were bummed out, they WERE able to eat at Panera's where I had the pleasure of sitting with four of the girls and two of their friends. They were able to laugh, show me prom dresses and talk about what's next. We planned a dinner here with a date TBD, and we all went our separate ways.

THEN, it was prom shoe shopping time. I am not a fan of shopping. I really never have been. Bella, she LOVES to shop. So, to Marshall's, Famous Footwear and DSW we went. Victory was had at DSW and I highly recommend shopping there for they will order your size if they don't have it. The shoes were a ridiculous price (as in less than $50) and Bella is happy. Score one for the mother.

Tonight there will be lots of singing here as Bella and her friends decide what to sing for a performance they will have in a few weeks. I look forward to it.

I wish you all a most marvelous Saturday.

Music today - a wild mash-up victory mix for the girls!
http://youtu.be/ZB2o-teyUhs

I have been gone most of the day. Yoga. Dermatologist to have a mole that was wonky removed and biopsied as well as a body scan for the first time in my life. I am not in the least bit concerned about it nor was the doctor. Acupuncture. Senior baseball players ceremony. Swing back to the track to watch my niece compete in a meet. Back to the baseball field to watch the game. Pick up Bella from LAX. Get her food. Drive her to babysitting. Go out to eat some dinner. 

While I was doing all this running around, I had my computer trying to recover the lost files. I believe out of well over 100 documents I was able to recover about 25. I lost the pictures too.

I could get crazy about this but really, what would be the point? I know the story I want to tell. In fact, it makes it almost easier to have lost nearly everything. Out of the whole bunch there is truly just one I was sad to see as unrecoverable. No worries. 

Why so calm? Read on...

Yoga this morning was Cara's version of restorative yoga and it was exactly right. We started in child's pose and Cara instructed us to "surrender the thoughts in your head. Give them up. Let them go and send them all to Mother Earth." She hadn't seen my FB post, but we always seem to be in sync. In addition, she sent me an email about my blog yesterday at 6:15 am that I read literally as I was racing out the door to her house:

WOW. Such an amazing, spot on email!

On Wednesday, Jen read me a blog article about surrendering. With a very similar message. I forgot to make a copy of the article, but now I feel I must.

Last week at the psychic, the third card drawn was the Archangel Michael.

We have established on this blog there are no coincidences. The Universe is VERY busy with me, again. Bring it.

What's happening in YOUR world?

Music today inspired by the music in my acupuncturists office - gorgeous harp music - although this has a rock & roll twist. 
Very cool. Plus, I loved the whole angel theme.
http://youtu.be/2U7TDOtfxts

So. You know that book I talk about? Well, it's gone.

Somehow, some way, all of the files disappeared off of my laptop. I brought the laptop in for a new keyboard two weeks ago. I put some of my files on a flash drive. When I dropped off the laptop I was told my hard drive wouldn't be touched at all. Excellent.

I picked up the laptop late Saturday evening. I knew I had folders that I had made changes in, SO, I deleted them and re-added them from the flash drive. At no point did I touch that file.

So, naturally I deleted everything off of the flash drive.

YESTERDAY, I went to add a little something in the files, look at what I had written and maybe even add a page or two.

THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE FOLDER. Nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

I am loath to admit I do not back up this computer either. I will get myself an external hard drive and start to do so.

I am disgustingly on top of CCleaner. I ran it Saturday as a matter of fact. OF COURSE I DID. 

So, I am trying a program called Recuva, praying I can get it all back. This is how it looked two minutes ago on my desktop. I believed I was running the program all night. It's at 18% with an estimated time left of TWO DAYS. I'm thinking the files must be there. If they're not, well, there are no coincidences and maybe THAT wasn't the book I was supposed to write.

Music today is utterly silly. 
The video is priceless - it must be the 70's based on the sweaters.
http://youtu.be/ROwPoxwqG5Y

There isn't a human on the planet who doesn't have pain. Emotional. Mental. Physical. How it manifests varies from person to person. This month, my body has many aches and pains. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out much of the pain is a direct result of how I react to life, and all that it throws me.

So, when I finally headed back to the gym this morning, Jen and I just sat and talked. Apparently, I needed to work out my head as much as my body. Jen and I "get" each other - it's an awesome connection and one I never take for granted.

My pains are actually years in the making and I fully expect the relief will take a while to fully kick in.

My head, my heart, my body, my food choices, my life choices - they are all connected and many times it is pretty and sometimes...well...it hurts. Who doesn't have "stuff?" 

A lot of my stuff was living in my head, not paying rent, subconsciously making decisions based on life experiences that are decades old. I am programmed from a young age for a lot of how I react at this much older age. I am emotionally vulnerable from events that shaped me from way back when to recently. There isn't just one rule book on how we "should" live - otherwise there wouldn't be a giant section of self-help books in the bookstore. I am a work in progress, and the speed bumps along the way help me slow down and pay attention to what I need to pay attention to.

My FB post today says, "Don't make a resolution. Make yourself." I really do work on this every single day.

I spent the past three days ODing on the television program, Scandal. My sister told me I HAD to watch it. She assured me I would love it. She didn't lie. The main character is a woman named Olivia Pope. She's a fixer. It's her title. She cleans up messes. Her own life is an emotional disaster. I was all in from the pilot episode up until the last episode I needed to watch to "catch up."

I love this song. It's on many a playlist. It comes on in my car quite often. I decided to really listen to the lyrics recently. After talking about this song, a friend once asked me if I thought they needed to be "fixed." I hope my response was no. Over time, I have decided we could probably all use a little fixing. And over time, I have determined no one can "fix you" except you. 

Here's to all the work we do to fix our perfectly imperfect selves - day after day after day. We are powerful beyond measure indeed.

Perfectly Imperfect
http://youtu.be/pY9b6jgbNyc

Many years ago I worked for a difficult man as one of the managers of a particular department at the phone company. One day, he came to see our group. As we walked from my group, through another group and ultimately to the stairs he said, "Maggie, everyone in this department is too happy. You are doing something wrong."  

OK, he was really more of an asshole than difficult. 
(Side bar note to Trish - yep, it still makes me crazy even after all these years!)

I took pride in our department and I took pride that the people in our group were generally pretty happy. Our little corner of the floor was filled with laughter and unmitigated chaos, but we liked each other and we had fun.

I think you can fake happiness. We've all done it. But genuine happy is a great thing and something to be proud of.

In that group was a woman who would cease and desist doing any and all work when this song came on. She would place callers on hold. She would put her right arm in the air and she would sway and sing-along. Ultimately, so would we all. I have no idea what she is up to these days, but I think about her whenever I hear this song. And yes, every so often I throw my right arm up in the air and sway.

My soul has so many dreams it can barely keep track. 

My sleep has become busy as I am remembering my dreams for the first time in pretty much forever. Mind you, I only remember them for an hour or so and then they fly off into the abyss of the day. They are filled with people I miss and love. If I was so inclined, I could write them down and maybe interpret them, but since coffee may not have kicked between waking and writing, it would probably be a useless exercise. Plus, if it's the 4am dream you know I am not doing anything except rolling over and attempting to go right back to sleep.

I do know I don't want to roll over my soul dreams. I keep them front and center and work towards making them a reality. If it takes writing about them, putting them on a vision board, adding them to a dream jar, talking to them with a friend, or consulting the cards to see where it's all going, I really do my best to stay on top of listening to the whispers. Sometimes the whisper is a roar.

Here's to your sleep and soul dreams ~ may they be big, beautiful and amazing!

I love how I bop back and forth from decade to decade and style to style in all my music choices. Welcome to 1986.
http://youtu.be/XjBwAYIxUso

And then, me being me, I started singing this in my head.
Just so you know, I had to add this too!
http://youtu.be/P4T3tMkjRig

I was my mother's firstborn. And as such, her favorite, as evidenced by this ecard I put on her FB wall this morning...beating her other favorite children to the punch by mere minutes no doubt.

For years, Jane and I, without knowing, would send my mother the same card. Always about being her favorite. It is a long standing joke and as a parent myself now, I understand how you truly DO have a favorite from time to time. Each kid will always believe it's THEM and as such, I am doing a perfectly stand-up job of messing with them.

There are many awesome Dad's out there (my kids have one of them) but let's face it, my side of the bed is where the kids stared me awake at two-in-the-morning whenever they had an "isssue."

I have been very blessed to have an awesome mom. Through thick and through thin, through adolescence and adulthood, we have weathered each other. It has certainly not always been a smooth ride, but it's been pretty A-OK nearly all of the time. The introduction to truth in therapy this year allowed me to realize that not all my issues were mom related. (gasp!) Some of them were of my own doing. (damn)

And so, on this Mother's Day, I wish anyone who has ever done the very best they could with the life manual they were handed when their kids were born, the best day they can have. 

Cheers to us all.

Music today - it could have been sappy but this has been running in my head since yesterday.
http://youtu.be/uFjxcUVUNlQ