It's Friday.
It's freaking freezing out.
I am hearing rumors of another giant bout of snow next week.
Seriously?

Let's just dance.
It's gonna make you sweat...a welcome relief after freezing.

xo

Let the music take control (control control) 
Let the rhythm move you 
Sweat (sweat sweat) sweat 
Let the music take your soul (soul soul) 
Let the rhythm move you 
Everybody dance now 

http://youtu.be/LaTGrV58wec

I used to go to Vermont and the kids would frolic in the snow. It was fun. You wanted fresh snow. What was better than powder in the morning? Making your way down the mountain at your leisure with your music on. Coming in to snacks and lunch and dinner and warmth. Ending the day playing card games and watching TV with everyone crashed by 10pm. Ah, the reason to love winter was right there. At the tips of our noses on a ski lift.

We haven't been in two years.

SO. We've been home. Like so many. In the storms. Without a break. 

No sunny destination spot.

Cooking, shoveling, snow blowing, deicing, losing our minds. I don't know a single person who wants winter to continue. When it started to squall yesterday there was a collective groan from everyone in the salon. And then, it was sunny.

A friends FB status said this, "When it started snowing again just now, a woman I passed in the parking lot said, 'It's just dandruff.' Mother Nature's dandruff? Need to give her something for dry hair right away!"

I work at a hair salon. We have a product to fix this. If you see Mother Nature - tell her to call me, I'll hook her up.

It's pretty, but, I. Am. Done.

xo

Oh You came like a winter snow -
Quiet, and soft, and slow; 
Falling from the sky in the night
To the earth below.

http://youtu.be/APCtCpfSTk0

My friend Katya posted this as her Facebook status the other day.

I laughed out loud.

I SO got it. We've ALL been there.

This thing called life certainly can throw us curve balls when we least expect them. You start the day with certain expectations and then, it's the end of the day and it's turned navy blue. And a half.

• You get a diagnosis that takes you down to your knees.
  
• Your kid, spouse, mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, best friend gets a diagnosis that takes you down to your knees.
  
• You go to Hawaii on vacation and your mama has a stroke.
  
• You have a fender bender.
  
• It snows. Again. And again. Oh, and one more time for kicks.
  
• There's water in your Magic Basement.
  
• You burn dinner.
  
• Fuck it, you don't even make dinner.
  
• You get a job. You hate the job. You're stuck.
  
• You lose your job.
  
• You wait and you wait and you wait to get on an organ transplant list.
  
• You have no heat. You have no air conditioning.
  
• You don't get into the school you wanted.
  
• Someone cuts you off, beeps their horn at you and gives you the finger.
  
• You trip and fall.
  
• Someone you love dies.
• You get divorced.
• You have an empty nest.

That's the real, much more painful side of life. 

And then, there's the good stuff...

• Modern medicine works.
  
• Eastern medicine works.
  
• You see the most glorious sunset of your life.
  
• You HAVE medical coverage.
  
• At least the car wasn't totaled.
  
• The crocuses start to poke up.
  
• It dries.
  
• Two Brothers Pizza. They can fix any meal.
  
• You get a job you love.
  
• You get the organ.
  
• The oil company comes and voila, you've got heat.
  
• The plumber comes and you've got AC.
  
• You end up at exactly THE right school for you.
  
• You smile at the person losing their mind in the car.
  
• You get up and brush it off.
  
• Someone you love has a baby.
  
• You fall in love. Again. As an adult.
  
• You can finally have that craft room you always wanted.

It's perspective. I am so much a glass half full woman, but I do get down in the dumps, so looking at life from this perspective makes the shitty days less shitty.

Have whatever your favorite color is kind of day. And thanks, Katya, for bringing it all home.

xo

Don't look away 
Don't run away
Hey baby it's only life
Don't lose your faith
Don't run away
Hey baby its only life
Yea it's only life

http://youtu.be/vqDu13klYQg

It feels like every day, someone I know is facing a health issue of some sort - cancer, heart, mental.

I love that this blog is a conduit to kindness and love and light and sharing all the power we have to help in the healing process of so many you don't know. But I do. And as such, you get to know them.

Whether you write a comment (which they can then see and feel), or spend a half a second sending them blessings, I can assure you it is making a difference.

And knowing that, I share the following, with permission.

Last week, while enjoying a family vacation in Hawaii, my friend Sarah's mom, Kathy Gillen, suffered a small stroke. Kathy is already fighting a giant battle with cancer. Thankfully, she is making good progress post-stroke, and Sarah is able to stay with her. (In comparison to our NY weather, if you have to be stranded somewhere to heal, Hawaii is a pretty good place to be stuck.) Please send her some love. xo

Kim might be home from the hospital as I write this. (She will chime in in the comments, I am sure to let us know.) The other day, after I asked for the love to be shared for Kim, she had this to say in the comments:

My friend Evelyn's mom has been facing a few complications after her heart surgery last week. Arlene makes THE best biscotti, anywhere. She needs to get well so she can whip up a batch of her world famous cranberry pistachio, slightly well done, please, cookies for me.

Jake Update from Amy:
"Jake's doctor from his proton therapy in Bloomington, looked over Jake's and scan and DOES NOT think it is the tumor regrowing. Jake's type of tumor usually grows back in the same place and the tumor bed looks clean from what he can see. It still means there are things going on, but thanking God it does not look like tumor!!"

Amy Update from Amy herself:
"Since many have asked, I will do a little update on myself. I am retaining fluid and need another heart cath on March 3rd. I may have to spend a couple of days in the hospital to get the fluid off and possibly be on a drip to get the right side of my heart pumping properly. All of this will get me better prepared for transplant. Some days I start to get discouraged that I am not on the list yet, and then I look back at the year we just had. God lined it all up perfectly!"

etc:
I have a few friends who are quietly and privately facing health issues. I am sure you do as well. Take a moment to light up that sky with all you've got.

xo

Just. Listen.

http://youtu.be/_x4XGBPssLc

It's yet another late Monday blog from me. 

Coffee and conversation with friends - check
Reiki and Therapy after four weeks away - check
Picking up car which had an expired inspection - check
BELLA PASSING HER ROAD TEST - check
Working on behind the scenes details for a new venture - check
Going to the bank - check
Making a bunch of phone calls - check
Writing a bunch of emails - check
Creating a flyer for a friend for school - check
NOT DRIVING BELLA TO DANCE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 14 YEARS!
Big Fat Check (!)

It was a day of many journeys.

I have literally spent over two hours trying to find the perfect song. It's not working. I have listened to 20 of some of my favorite songs and subjecting Peter to them as well. LOTS and lots of country.

Did you know The Voice is back tonight?!?! I know this from the nonstop banner ads on YouTube. Frankly, I'm going to count that as a PSA.

The winning song.
A story about journeys.
An exceptional performance.

All lies and jests
Still a man hears what he wants to hear
And disregards the rest

http://youtu.be/6ylhySDIH_A

I got this message from my friend Kim yesterday morning.

Later on in the day I got a message from another friend telling me Kim was hospitalized with a blood clot in her arm that they discovered in the morning.

If you would all take a moment and send Kim some strength, some love, some prayers, some light, some healing, I would be most grateful.

If you have any words of wisdom to share with Kim, please do so. She needs to be uplifted any way we can. 

THANKS!

xo

PS - although THIS post is for my darling girlfriend Kim, there are so very many fighting this fight, so, if collectively we could send a little love to anyone you know who is bravely doing battle against cancer, well, I think we might just see the sky light up with all that love.

Beautiful girl
Let the sunrise come again
Beautiful girl
May the weight of world resign
You will get better

http://youtu.be/c0VnmKWUNaM

I took Bella and her friend Emily to see Frozen the other day.

I loved it. 

I was telling my brother (father of one son and three daughters) we were going and he said to me, "You will be hearing 'let it go' all throughout the movie."

Little did I know how much I would love the song and little did I know how much I would love THESE versions of it.

Yep.

This is your Friday dance music times three. Pick your favorite version - tell me which one is your favorite - and have fun!

xo

PS - THE only negative to the thaw? The water that decides it needs to be in the Magic Basement with me. If any of you have really super powers and can divert it anywhere but here, well, I would be mighty obliged. xo

THIS. This is totally my personal favorite version of this. Lexi Walker has SOME voice. I LOVE Alex Boyé from the first time I saw him featured on the Paradise video from ThePianoGuys. 

http://youtu.be/DAJYk1jOhzk

ThePianoGuys. I adore them. Note this video and Alex Boyé's were filmed on the same location. So. Freaking. Awesome.

http://youtu.be/6Dakd7EIgBE

And then there's THIS uber fantastic version I found on my cousins FB page. Thanks Adelaide! xo  Wait until she gets to Celine Dion.

http://youtu.be/1us197eB6gQ

When we were kids, our parents saved our birthday cards to be opened after dinner. I confess I have continued this tradition. It makes the day THAT much more special and it makes it so everyone at the table can see who you got a card from.

Since snail mail has gone the way of The Pony Express I didn't get cards in the mail - except from my money manager and Chico's. HOWEVER, I did get more than 300 FB birthday messages, texts and emails. It. Was. Awesome.

I waited until after I got home from work to read them. Keeping with tradition and all. Every time the email amount changed on my phone I got a little giddy. I suggest you try this on your own special day - it is VERY powerful to read the emails all at once. The only downside to this is trying to respond and/or like each post. I gave up trying to do so because it became overwhelming.

Work, for the record, was fun and involved cards, gifts, a giant shared cupcake, birthday wishes and a little too much singing of Air Supply on my part. Kathy allowed it ONLY because it was my birthday!

I would like to thank Anne for the picture of where she had her coffee yesterday morning in the Bahamas. I would also like to thank Jane for the picture of the palm trees in Orlando. I know it was only to share the sunshine and not to rub in the fact that I was looking at dreary skies and rain all day...

Since she had only left NY twenty-four hours before I am fairly certain she didn't forget how pretty this has been. Since November...

ANYWAY (!) my family arranged a brilliant surprise.

Marco was the banker.

Peter was the driver and gift getter. I must include a shout out to Peter's girlfriend Nikki for going along for the shopping on Tuesday. (AND for texting me BEFORE my own kids did to wish me a happy birthday!) Well done Nikki. (Who then promptly got my kids in line; I immediately heard from them.)

Bella was the chef. I came home and a cake had been baked and dinner was in the works. Chicken cutlets a la Bella, green beans with almonds and rice pilaf.

Honest to god there wasn't a better gift I could have been given. DINNER. Not thought of, planned out, shopped for, or cooked by me. It was brilliant.

The cake was so yummy - light and moist and sweet with homemade butter-cream frosting. Aunt Re would be proud.

It was one of the best birthday's ever.

THANK YOU.

One and all.

xo

I felt the love...
(There are practically NO words to this song)
Pretend it's Friday and dance.

http://youtu.be/C2q2bis6eLE

Today is my 53rd birthday. How the hell did that happen? I swear, somewhere on a cellular level, I am still in my twenties. Sometimes I think it's because of all the people I "see" on Facebook. The people who knew me when. That shared experience of days of yore coupled with the wisdom of NOW make going on Facebook, for me, a barometer of where I've been and where I'm going.

My tiara IS quite fabulous and although some days I feel like it needs a little polishing, all in all, I have taken my life into my own hands.

While all this was going through my head, last night, I read Glennon Doyle Melton's latest blog piece. You MUST read it. I'll wait. Click HERE.

::: OK, I'm done waiting :::

Sacred scared.

I. KNOW.

It's such an amazing way to describe who we are as humans. And despite loving and applauding the column, and despite agreeing one million percent with it, and despite "making" you read it, I am SO not ready to even go there. Yet.

Perhaps, just maybe, THAT will be my birthday gift, to myself, for this year. To use my tiara to help me articulate my sacred scared. THAT would most certainly be taking matters into my own hands now, wouldn't it?

To show up. To carry on with amazing ideas, thoughts and things despite it really never being the perfect time, or having the perfect body, or the right amount of money, or any of the other nonsense we tell ourselves.

I started TGHR with a boatload of obstacles in my head. Still, I knew I had to make this happen. I wanted to get my college degree and I did that. There are other things happening in my world that I have somehow managed to make happen and some of the obstacles involved are pretty significant.

But there is so much more I want to do. To try. To see. To be. I want to be able to belt out this song and really, REALLY mean it. I'm getting there. Day by beautiful day.

It's been a wild and crazy year from 2013 to 2014. I cannot even pretend to fathom what this next twelve months will bring.

Stay for the ride, will you. Please?

xo

Look at me, can't believe
I finally made it here
Feeling like I'm where I belong
Singing my hallelujah song

http://youtu.be/R2mu0g3ir_w

I was probably in my twenties the first time I had a mani-pedi. Bella was just two.

I received a white Revlon eye shadow in my stocking when I was thirteen. Bella probably got a full case of make up when she was under ten.

I didn't get my first high heels until my teens - Candies, they were OH the rage; along with Earth Shoes and Dr. Scholl's. Bella got high heels before she was a teenager.

And so, we, the mommies, perpetuate buying into this beauty-fashion hype.

And yet... Hello? Have you met me? Fashionable I am not. I am not particularly glamorous. I don't have a Pinterest board about my favorite looks. I believe yoga pants are a wardrobe staple. I forget to put on lipstick EVERY single day. My bangs have their own agenda that has nothing to do with the cut and everything to do with hot flashes. If you've been here long enough, you know that I do battle with carbs as frequently as I do battle with my bangs. 

I work at a hair salon, for god's sake. I am NOT the quintessential Hair Traffic Controller in any way, shape or form. And I think that's what makes me so good at my job. I look like a whole lot of our clients. 

Do I wish I was more glamorous? Some days, certainly. And in time, I might reach a level of made up that is "the norm" at a salon.

I know I should probably approach food and exercise in the mode of a twelve step program. It. Is. Hard. My respect for those who are in ANY kind of a program is off the charts. It goes right down to the core of my being.

And so, it was with interest that I watched this short video yesterday and realized, that although I am not physically where I want to be, in the whole scheme of things, I am pretty OK mentally about who I am.

Knowing what the issue is is the first step. And I know my issues. BOY do I know them. I take a baby step every morning when I wake up. One of these days that one step will lead me back to a full walk.

The song of the day popped in my head while I watched the video. It's message is the opposite of what I want to say here, because let's face it, I want us to feel like natural women and men WITHOUT someone else making us feel that way.

In the end, I still love the song. Go forth and feel outstanding about yourself FOR yourself.

xo

Photoshopping Real Women Into Cover Models
http://youtu.be/zRlpIkH3b5I

She is no longer with the person who she wrote this song about.
Life's like that...

You make me feel like a natural woman
http://youtu.be/_TVFK4XIK2U

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining brightly. An almost novel sight. And one that is certain to bring the snow promised for tomorrow. ::: sigh :::

So, naturally, today Bella and I will finally head off to see Frozen, because, why not? What's a little more snow?

We are keeping our fingers crossed that we can shop for prom dresses tomorrow.

What's on your sunshiny agenda today?

xo

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always make me high

http://youtu.be/ybeke7_d1zE

Eight years ago I was out getting milk late at night at the corner store. I saw a sign with puppies on it up for adoption.

If you knew me then, as my friend Kathy said, "If there were a million people who wouldn't have a dog, you would be one million and one." I wasn't an animal person per se. We had a couple of dogs growing up and a few cats. I was an absentee owner.

But those eyes...

Sandy, the owner at the time, of Bark Avenue Grooming, had gone down to New Orleans to do animal rescue work after hurricane Katrina. She brought home Honey, a pregnant mama dog and cared for the puppies (along with Dr. Paul Maus of North Westchester Vet, btw) until they were adopted. She had plastered signs all over the place. This was totally her fault.

The next morning, I called my true dog loving friend Claire and asked her to take a ride with me to meet the puppies. HOW freaking cute they were! Claire picked up a puppy who promptly peed on her. She loved him. I was drawn to a chubby, slower one. The deal was done. I was going to inform my family. We were getting a puppy!

That night I told my husband my idea. Wondering if I had been captured by aliens, he was all in. The next day after school, we told the kids we were going on an adventure. Less than a mile away from our home. It was genius.

OH, their excitement was too much when we walked through the door! Puppies, puppies everywhere! Naturally, Bella wanted the dog that peed on Claire, the same dog who picked up half of a plastic Easter egg and toted it around in his mouth for a good portion of our visit, as did Marco. Peter and I were drawn to the chubby dog. Since Bella had been asking for a puppy for as long as she could talk, we let her have the winning pick. For about a day I considered taking both puppies. And then, I let that idea go right on out of my head.

In April 2006, Tucker the Wonder Pup joined our family. His birthday is on Valentine's Day and he is indeed our true love. He is a pain in the ass around other dogs; he doesn't like them very much. He escapes whenever he can commando crawl through chicken wire reinforced bushes to go and yell at the other dogs in the neighborhood, who I might remind you, he DOES NOT like. He has taken to throwing up at the end of the bed on my side. He can rip your shoulder out when playing any kind of tugging game. But boy, oh boy, does he love us. Our family is better with him as a part of it.

The chubby dog? My friend Leigh adopted him! His name is Dojo.

His mama, Honey? Bella's 5th grade teacher's parents adopted her, which we discovered when they were talking about HOW they got their dogs. One of his litter mates, Sparky, lives around the corner. Another one, Willie, lives in the next town.

Tucker. He reformed me. He is quite the character. As my friend Sharon says, "DO NOT make eye contact with him!" He becomes your lap friend for life.

So, when I saw THIS story on FB this morning, I HAD to share it. (Thanks Beth!)

• A boy with a rare disease.
  
• A dog with three legs.

Get your tissues. LOVE rules.

Share YOUR dog story in the comments, please!

Happy Sunday!

xo

A Boy and His Dog.
http://youtu.be/ZIXoYHYEnkg

Buddy I coulda gone that extra mile
For an extra bark or an extra smile
'Cause I never felt so free
It was just my dog and me

http://youtu.be/bDQaGIK6-4Q

• Three million feet of snow? Check.
  
• Thunder, lightening & ice? Check.
  
• More snow? Check.
  
• Full moon? Check.
  
• Valentine's Day? Check.
  
• Friday? Check.
  

Lets's just dance!

xoxoxo

I figured an electronic song called Moon Dance was an excellent song to feature here today.
It starts a little slow, and then you'll be moving.

http://youtu.be/dZxz6KmfuF4

Hello out there! Guess what? It's snowing. Again.

Oh look (!!) - we could get 14 more inches of what was beautiful on the first snow day. 

I saw the video put together with Steve Carrell and just HAD to create it here.

Facebook is awash in fabulousness this morning and I have decided to make it a day of sharing with you.

Dale Hansen, Dallas sportscaster, to the world
in regards to Michael Sam being gay.
Bravo.

http://youtu.be/Olc5C4SXAYM

100 year old friends share their thoughts on popular culture. 
LOVE them.

http://youtu.be/ipnGPeRIy2k

From mom, Robin Newberger:
One man, one moment, touching the life of an autistic child. Our hearts are overflowing. There are already many who have watched this video who don't know us.

Our son, Daniel, is 5. He has autism. What started out as a fear has turned into a fascination. I showed him a YouTube video of a garbage truck a couple of years ago and he's been obsessed ever since.

Like many children on the autism spectrum, this has become a ritual for him. He loves the predictable movement of the hoist and is excited by the entire spectacle. He waits all week for Monday morning pickup. He knows exactly which cans are being picked up each week, and Sundays are special for him when he takes the cans out with his dad.

Our recycle man, known only to us as Manuel, is his favorite. He always has a big smile for Daniel, who is faithfully waiting for him every Monday. To him, trash pickup is like a symphony. He synchronizes his hand movements with the truck.

We have so many "Trash Day" videos, but this one is like no other.

http://youtu.be/QeKHRJ2Pm0Y

At some point, in every house in the world, especially those homes with all the people home...again...someone, somewhere is going to have a hissy fit. There may be stomping involved. May it be creative. And with a good beat. Something to stomp along with in a frustrated unison.

You're welcome.

http://youtu.be/Zu15Ou-jKM0

Did you ever have a day that was months in the planning? The trials of trying to coordinate schedules, dealing with weather, illness, life? 

I thought so.

Yesterday, a day that a friend and I had been talking about for more than a year (you read that right) FINALLY happened. Three women met for a meal, for discussion, for back and forth banter on social media, for card readings, for sacred space, for vault talk.

There was literally the feeling of beautiful magic in the so aptly named Magic Basement. It was an excellent day.

One of my guests is an extraordinarily talented astrologer who is also crazy smart. Our mutual friend wanted this meeting to happen and happen it did. It was our first time together as friends and I am 100% certain it will not be our last.

So, if you have been trying to get together with a particular friend, keep trying. Because when it happens, it is exactly right.

xo

Let's put it out there for my friend's mom Arlene today - she is having heart surgery.

Speaking of hearts - let's send Amy a blast of love because frankly, she needs it. Jake is having a rough go of it and doesn't see a doctor again until the 20th.

Let's send Kelly and Kim a huge blast of love as they continue on their battles of breast cancer.

Yesterday our paper shared an interview with the priest who officiated over the funerals of the young men who died as a result of drugs.

They wrote, "Facing a grim spate of heroin deaths, a young Peekskill priest who knows from personal tragedy, seeks to turn the expression 'YOLO' on its head."

Take a moment to check it out by clicking HERE.

When the moon is in the Seventh House
And Jupiter aligns with Mars
Then peace will guide the planets
And love will steer the stars

http://youtu.be/06X5HYynP5E

Today, own this.

Be who YOU are.

Happy Tuesday!

xo

Don't lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart.
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising,
Just be true to who you are!

http://youtu.be/j2WWrupMBAE

My friend Toby has managed to capture the wintry spirit of NYC perfectly on her way to or from work each day armed with only her iPhone and her Instagram account. (Click on her name to follow her on Instagram.) 

I am so delighted she is allowing me to share them with you today!

THIS picture is "the money shot" as my friend Elaine would say. It is the one that made me gasp out loud. I think it shows the city in all it's magnificent glory during slush and sleet and ice and snow.

I must confess, in general, the snow doesn't bother me.

However, this year, I am quite done with it.

Looking at Toby's daily pictures makes me happy SHE sees it in a way that is pure beauty.

Have an awesome Monday.

xo

PS - never heard this song before last night. I think you'll really like it.

They say a snow year's a good year
Filled with the love of all who lie so deep

http://youtu.be/2RXzgQRrK28

I started this post on Friday night. I planned to submit it yesterday. Then I couldn't find a song to work with the subject in the amount of time I had before I headed off to work. I made an error on the pic of the day for FB.

Stress. It has many forms.

I listened to this TED talk Friday and really enjoyed it. Perhaps it will be something that resonates with you as well. (Note to Caitlan, I loved that you shared it too)

How to Make Stress Your Friend
http://youtu.be/RcGyVTAoXEU

We all have stress; how we cope with it is up the individual.

To be hurt 
To feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked
When you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 

Welcome to my life

http://youtu.be/r0U0AlLVqpk

My friend, Kacey Morabito Grean, interviewed Dr. Barbara Kistenmacher, a licensed Clinical Psychologist and the Executive Director of the Hazelden Addiction Center in New York, yesterday morning about the heroin epidemic sweeping our nation. Using questions she culled from her Facebook network, the answers are just what we, as concerned community members, need to hear.

I urge you to take the 20 minutes to listen. There is so much excellent information; you will be greatly enlightened.

Edited to add the link for the show which doesn't show up on your phone or an iPad.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/kacey-on-the-radio/2014/02/06/our-hudson-valley-heroin-epidemic

Yesterday I admitted just feeling awful. THANK YOU for the encouragement. My mother wrote to me, "Hang in there, Mags. We have Northern European genes and they play havoc with us in the winter."

Last night I saw THIS picture my sister Annemarie posted of the Fitzgerald side of the family taken in Ireland. My grandmother, Anna, is on the top row, third from the left. They don't look too skipper in Ireland, do they?

Mama, we've got it hitting at us from every direction!

Let's resume dancing. For I believe, we must always celebrate the joy and the life lived even while we are sad. I love this song and I love the message that we will hold each other up, no matter what.

Here's to life - the good, the bad, the ugly, the sad, the scary, the monumental, the surprises, the minutiae. 

xo

What if I'm far from home? Oh Brother, I will hear you call! 
What if I lose it all? Oh Sister, I will help you out! 
Oh! If the sky comes falling down! For you
There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do

http://youtu.be/YxIiPLVR6NA

I woke up this morning and laid in bed for over an hour having some mighty discussions in my head.

I was angry with myself for even listening to the voices in my head.

I was angry with some decision I have made with my life.

I was REALLY angry I had once again, allowed food to be my go to mood saver.

And then, I told all the voices in my head to just shut up.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

I don't know one human being who hasn't had moments like this. ALL of us have internal battles and all of us deal with our lives differently.

As I have indicated more than once, my go to source of comfort is food. In particular, sweets. I zero in on them and all bets are off. I don't even really realize I am traveling down this path until, once again, I don't recognize the face in the mirror.

Bloated, again. 

Clothes don't fit, again.

My body aches from working out. My body aches MORE from not working out.

But that voice in my head. You know that tiny voice that somehow ends up SCREAMING louder than anything somehow, someway, wins.

I am almost 53 years old and have years of therapy under my belt. And still, I find myself HERE. At this same place. Time after time.

The truly sad part is I can usually put a name, place and time that I started to unravel. And still, I can't stop myself from ultimately doing harm via what I use to comfort myself.

Of course, if this was someone else writing, I would have brilliant words of wisdom to share with them. Strong statements telling them they were of course, worth taking care of. I would hold their hand. I would look them in the eye. I would be horrified they felt anything but worthy.

You're nodding your head in agreement, aren't you?

I think with all of the discussions about drugs in the news last week and of course, with the hard hitting, close to home, reality of it in my community as well, I can understand how drugs become a salve. I understand how alcohol becomes a salve.

I use food. A legal drug. To cure whatever ails me. In general you can't OD on food. You can eat and drive. But, it does the same sort of number on you - it removes you from your present situation and provides you with something to numb it.

I almost didn't use this song this morning. As I read through the lyrics it occurred to me (a hundred years after I first heard this song) that it is about heroin use. Not something I want to honor.

BUT, the lyrics speak to anyone who sinks into these moments of destructive self reflection.

The voices in my head are quieter now. I will give myself a pep talk and pack a nice lunch. I will take a breath.

I am ridiculously fortunate. I have an army of people who love me and want to see me healthy, happy and fulfilled. Bless them for staying true to the ups and downs of who I am. They never give up.

I remain, grateful.

xo

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well, I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

http://youtu.be/y7EpSirtf_E