I was angry with myself for even listening to the voices in my head.
I was angry with some decision I have made with my life.
I was REALLY angry I had once again, allowed food to be my go to mood saver.
And then, I told all the voices in my head to just shut up.
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
I don't know one human being who hasn't had moments like this. ALL of us have internal battles and all of us deal with our lives differently.
As I have indicated more than once, my go to source of comfort is food. In particular, sweets. I zero in on them and all bets are off. I don't even really realize I am traveling down this path until, once again, I don't recognize the face in the mirror.
Clothes don't fit, again.
My body aches from working out. My body aches MORE from not working out.
But that voice in my head. You know that tiny voice that somehow ends up SCREAMING louder than anything somehow, someway, wins.
I am almost 53 years old and have years of therapy under my belt. And still, I find myself HERE. At this same place. Time after time.
The truly sad part is I can usually put a name, place and time that I started to unravel. And still, I can't stop myself from ultimately doing harm via what I use to comfort myself.
Of course, if this was someone else writing, I would have brilliant words of wisdom to share with them. Strong statements telling them they were of course, worth taking care of. I would hold their hand. I would look them in the eye. I would be horrified they felt anything but worthy.
You're nodding your head in agreement, aren't you?
I think with all of the discussions about drugs in the news last week and of course, with the hard hitting, close to home, reality of it in my community as well, I can understand how drugs become a salve. I understand how alcohol becomes a salve.
I use food. A legal drug. To cure whatever ails me. In general you can't OD on food. You can eat and drive. But, it does the same sort of number on you - it removes you from your present situation and provides you with something to numb it.
I almost didn't use this song this morning. As I read through the lyrics it occurred to me (a hundred years after I first heard this song) that it is about heroin use. Not something I want to honor.
BUT, the lyrics speak to anyone who sinks into these moments of destructive self reflection.
The voices in my head are quieter now. I will give myself a pep talk and pack a nice lunch. I will take a breath.
I am ridiculously fortunate. I have an army of people who love me and want to see me healthy, happy and fulfilled. Bless them for staying true to the ups and downs of who I am. They never give up.
I remain, grateful.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well, I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?