Yesterday, I received an email that broke my heart a little. It was from someone who was in the midst of a "horrible divorce."
From the tone of the email, I suspect it isn't going down like Gwyneth & Chris. Conscious Uncoupling doesn't appear to be making an appearance in the dissolution of this particular marriage.
Divorce is never easy.
I got divorced in my twenties, pre-kids, and still it had really awful moments.
Once you add kids into your world, the stakes are totally different.
In 1549, the traditional wedding vows were first printed in The Booke of Common Prayer. The average lifespan at that time was 30 for men and 24 for women. The average length of the FIRST marriage was very short. Many married up to four times.
Seriously.
"Til death do us part," was being said at an age when you were going to be married for a short period of time. There was land and property at stake. Families were evolving into superpowers when the "right matches" were critical to survival.
Fast forward to now.
We live into our 90's.
We celebrate people who are married for many years.
We wonder how they make it last.
From what I can see, using a completely unscientific method of listening to the hundreds of people I know, we fake it.
Everyone has moments that are terrific. Everyone has moments that are brutal. People stay together for the kids, for economics, for this reason and that reason, and at the end of the day, I often wonder who is really as blissfully happy?
I do know PLENTY of people who are very happily married. People who have communicated and worked hard AT being married. People who have grown together and listened to each other, and who genuinely like each other.
I also know a crazy amount of people who are hanging by a thread. People who are waiting for "the right time" to dissolve their own marriages.
I think if there wasn't a shaming in divorce, if there weren't economic factors at play, if you could stay friendly with the people who you chose as the parents of your kids, if you could be kind to each other no matter what, divorce wouldn't be as big a deal as it is.
People change. People move on. People grow out of love. You can love someone with all your might and not BE "in love" with them anymore.
Our friends change with the many seasons of our life. Maybe if ending a marriage was like the seasons of friendships, it would be easier.
I wish my friend well during this turbulent time in her life. Thankfully she does have an awesome network of family and friends to help her navigate the next chapter of her life.
I wish her peace, and true love, and happiness, and financial stability, and the knowledge that she will get through this.
xo
From the tone of the email, I suspect it isn't going down like Gwyneth & Chris. Conscious Uncoupling doesn't appear to be making an appearance in the dissolution of this particular marriage.
Divorce is never easy.
I got divorced in my twenties, pre-kids, and still it had really awful moments.
Once you add kids into your world, the stakes are totally different.
In 1549, the traditional wedding vows were first printed in The Booke of Common Prayer. The average lifespan at that time was 30 for men and 24 for women. The average length of the FIRST marriage was very short. Many married up to four times.
Seriously.
"Til death do us part," was being said at an age when you were going to be married for a short period of time. There was land and property at stake. Families were evolving into superpowers when the "right matches" were critical to survival.
Fast forward to now.
We live into our 90's.
We celebrate people who are married for many years.
We wonder how they make it last.
From what I can see, using a completely unscientific method of listening to the hundreds of people I know, we fake it.
Everyone has moments that are terrific. Everyone has moments that are brutal. People stay together for the kids, for economics, for this reason and that reason, and at the end of the day, I often wonder who is really as blissfully happy?
I do know PLENTY of people who are very happily married. People who have communicated and worked hard AT being married. People who have grown together and listened to each other, and who genuinely like each other.
I also know a crazy amount of people who are hanging by a thread. People who are waiting for "the right time" to dissolve their own marriages.
I think if there wasn't a shaming in divorce, if there weren't economic factors at play, if you could stay friendly with the people who you chose as the parents of your kids, if you could be kind to each other no matter what, divorce wouldn't be as big a deal as it is.
People change. People move on. People grow out of love. You can love someone with all your might and not BE "in love" with them anymore.
Our friends change with the many seasons of our life. Maybe if ending a marriage was like the seasons of friendships, it would be easier.
I wish my friend well during this turbulent time in her life. Thankfully she does have an awesome network of family and friends to help her navigate the next chapter of her life.
I wish her peace, and true love, and happiness, and financial stability, and the knowledge that she will get through this.
xo
All these impermanent things
Present yet elusive
Passive yet abusive
Tearing out the heart in utter silence
http://youtu.be/an9eziYKD3A
Present yet elusive
Passive yet abusive
Tearing out the heart in utter silence
http://youtu.be/an9eziYKD3A
