I faced a dilemma on what to write about. I ran out the door to yoga and figured I would write about it when I got home from yoga and acupuncture. Hours passed while I pondered this.
Cara always has such sage things to say, whether it's through yoga, her writing or just a quick text. Cara's blog pieces tend to hit me front and center. THIS piece, in particular, really made me sit up and take notice of what I do with myself. Food has typically been where I run to when I am not in the best state of mind. It sucks. Intellectually, I know I am damaging myself. Emotionally, it gives me solace. And then I get pissed off. And so the cycle continues.
I am a pretty enlightened person with many resources at my disposal. I know what to do, I know how to do it, but my poor heart can really only go to one place. The kitchen. It's a vicious cycle I have repeated many times in my life. The state of my body is usually the state of my mental health. It means I need to kick it into gear and get my shit together. Again. It is so insanely frustrating. I can't blame it on hormones. I can't blame it on the person who does the grocery shopping. I can't blame it on ignorance. I can watch in a totally detached manner as I put food I really don't want into my mouth to compensate for something in my shattered self. For, as always, I am the one who needs to be fixed. I am the one whose heart is fragile.
I am not alone in this. Every Weight Watchers meeting contains someone like me. Every nutritionist has a client like me. Every trainer has a client like me. There are millions of people like me. But I am the only one who can work on me and be in my head.
None of this is ever easy. I am glad I have the people in my life who love me and who will help me get to where I want to be. One step forward, two steps back. The dance of the slightly shattered pieces of my heart.