You're Only Human

8/23/2013

For the past week or so on Facebook, it has been a goodbye fest. Many of my friends are sending their kids off to college. For a lot of them, it is their first born. For some, they are sending off a kid for their senior year. For others, they are sending more than one kid off in two different directions.

I will have two kids in high school this year. A senior and a junior. Both of them thisclose to no longer being under my roof.

Sometimes, I wonder if I did/do too much for them.

When I was their age, I was already cleaning and cooking and prepping meals for the whole family. You know those conversations WE had as teenagers about what we would never make our kids do? I basically didn't. And as a result, I get concerned about the little things. Will Peter be able to survive on anything other than something he can pop in a microwave? It's not like I didn't try to teach the kid to cook from a very early age, trust me, I did. He just has zero interest. Bella likes to cook, so he counts on her to actually boil water and make pasta for him. Feel free to roll your eyes along with me... Bella has actually said out loud, "I am no good at vacuuming, perhaps I shouldn't do it," and I fall for that. Roll your eyes so hard you can see your brain now...

Early this morning, I realized there was no toilet paper in this house. Yesterday, Peter asked me if there was any in the downstairs bathroom. I told him there was some under his vanity in their bathroom. He neglected to tell me he had already looked and there was none. Can I tell you, that just made me go off this morning. REALLY? You are 17 years old and you couldn't mention there was no TP? So off I went to fill HIS car with gas and buy TP at the A&P at 6:35 in the morning. I thought to myself, I am creating people who can't figure out how to function because I do too much for them.

And then I thought, they are young once. They will work their whole lives. HOPEFULLY, they will work at something they love, because we do this working stuff a long, long time. To be unhappy is no fun. And so, of course, they will make mistakes, and run out of toilet paper, and eat Ramen Noodles for four years even with a meal plan, and some day, they too will have small people, who they will love with every blessed fiber of their being, and they will wonder if they are fucking them up for all eternity as well.

::: taking a deep breath :::

One way or another, they will figure it out. They will cook more than Ramen. They will go grocery shopping and put something other than Goldfish crackers, Pizza Bites and cereal in the cart. They might even put something green. They will make their own money. Someday, they will buy ME breakfast.

My kids are awesome human beings. They are kind. They are considerate. They are thoughtful. They say please and thank you. If you were to see them you would comment to me that they're great kids. Those qualities as a person, far outweigh not telling me we have no toilet paper.

We're only human. I needed to remind myself of that this morning. To take a deep breath and let it go, because I suspect, this year will fly by and before I know it, I will be the one posting something poignant about Peter heading off to college.

Bless them all, no matter how much or how little we have done for them. They are brilliant, beautiful, fantastic human beings who are our future. Long may they reign.

It's alright, it's alright, sometimes that's all it takes
We're only human, we're supposed to make mistakes

http://youtu.be/cLVTrD32Rs8

20 Comments

Robin

8/22/2013 10:50:07 pm

I LOVED this! So much of what you said here I have said about my kids. And two are adults and highly functioning (yes the two boys who helped each other unknowingly flood the whole house with bathroom water while I was away a week.) Bella and Peter will figure "it" out ...ALL of it. They are smart and have been raised by a smart woman. They will have some mis-steps along the way, but they WILL learn and grow. This past week Rachel has mostly been eating Ramen and the other food we stocked her dorm room with before leaving because she has a hard time setting her eating schedule to when the meal is being served ....a direct result of me catering to her and her schedule through the years (She's the baby. It's hard not to spoil her.) BUT when she gets tired of Ramen or runs out of food in her room, she will figure out how to get down there and eat when the food is served. It's only been a week and I have seen such growth in her already. I think the important thing for our kids, and really for all of us is this: When we fail, fall forward ...let the momentum continue to push you on. Peter and Bella will be ready. However, ENJOY these last years along the way. You will miss them when they are gone and you have plenty of TP in the house. ;-)

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:25:15 am

OH! I so remember the great flooding incident now that you mention it.

Your baby girl IS your baby girl IS your baby girl. I am thinking by now she has graduated to at least the salad bar in one of the places to eat on campus. (Although I saw she was home this weekend so perhaps she has had her room restocked a la mama?!)

You are right...we'll all figure this out and I suppose I might just miss them. ;-)

Kelly Joynes

8/22/2013 11:27:05 pm

As someone who is preparing to send her first born off to college in a week, this post really hit home. However, I have been a single parent to my kids for most of their lives and as such, they have been cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry for themselves for years. But it really doesn't matter, Maggie. I still worry. Did I not spent enough time with them while working three jobs to support them? Have they learned how to have a healthy relationship when there was no example of that in their home growing up? I think as parents, we are all going to worry how badly we have screwed up our kids. But like you said, if they are polite, compassionate, good kids then I think we have succeeded. I'm going to miss Kirsten something fierce, but I am so proud of the person she is and so excited for this part of her journey in life!

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:27:04 am

Kelly ~

Your kids are awesome and although YOUR mom manual is a little different than mine in that you had to play more than one role to them, your darling girl will excel and soar to heights you can't yet fathom!

Enjoy the send-off!

xo

Danielle Parthemore

8/22/2013 11:46:05 pm

Every morning I get up and read Maggie's story for the day...I absolutely love this one! This reminds of to let go of the small things that at the time we think are huge and can piss us off for the whole day.They will not be this age nor live with us forever....I love them I do but someday they have to go! I complain of pee on my toilets all the time but when I'm down on my knees cleaning it up I think god bless the women they marry,no really I say a time not too long from now this bathroom won't even get used :( thanks for the post Mags!

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:28:49 am

Pee on the floor. I know, something so gross makes you actually a bit nostalgic, right? Your boys will be fantastic, Danielle. Absolute delights. xo

Sue O'Brien

8/23/2013 12:04:43 am

As I prepare for Mackenzie's 7th, yes 7th, birthday, I am always wondering do I spend enough time with my kids, Am I doing the wrong thing working so much. I got up early to get to work to do 4 hours before her 11:30 birthday party with 12 little friends. They are only "ours" for so long and then they belong to themselves and we don't see or speak to them every second of the day. From what everyone who has college kids tells me,this year with fly for you and for Peter, breathe, enjoy and be confident in who he is!

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:30:37 am

Wasn't she just a little pipsqueak barely saying, "mommy?" I think the quality of time ALWAYS outweighs the quantity of time. As long as they know they are cherished, well then, it *should* all work alright in the end. xo

jean

8/23/2013 12:09:28 am

Ha Ha Maggie - you hit a nerve with that one. I mumble "what the hell did I do wrong" several times a week because my HS kids "can't" vacuum, put a plate in the dishwasher, dust, make a bed, rinse a recycle soda can out, finish off the one sip of ice tea instead of putting it back in the fridge, or find the A-1 sauce in the fridge hidden behind the milk. And just for fun I ask them to do things so I can get that blank look staring back at me as if I'm speaking another language because it REALLY makes my day. Lots of eye-rolling here. BUT they do know how to put the washing machine on and usually remember to add the detergent (small victories)! And yes, all people outside the house are the recipients of polite, funny kids too. LOL. And I know it will be sad day for me when the day of the drive to college is here all too soon :) Cherish the moments.

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:33:03 am

Really...what is more fun than a blank stare followed by eye-rolling and sighing? Not much I can think of! Your kids are right behind mine and you have witnessed many a niece and a nephew make this same journey, so, you are the barometer to share with all of us that we'll all survive this and the kids will grow up into productive adults! xo

Elaine

8/23/2013 01:03:13 am

LOVED this Maggie! Now that I have two college grads living home again (and one kid still in college) I am happy to report that they do figure it out when they are away! They never went hungry despite the fact they never had to cook dinner or go food shopping growing up (they did their own laundry though!) But I do still wake up to two drops of milk left in the fridge at times! And no TP! Now I'm sure they must have bought milk and TP when they lived in their college apartments so they must know how! LOL But they are happy, wonderful, working young adults who appreciate the full fridge and home-cooked dinners much more, and I love having them back. The day will come when they move out for good - but no rush on that. :)

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:35:49 am

Ah, Elaine ~ THANK YOU for this. The two drops of milk, like Jean's iced tea - something so delightful to open the fridge and find. In my case it's the water "jugs" all 1/4 of the way full, OR, my personal favorite, stacked along the sink needing to be filled. I want them to be productive and amazing and happy and love what they do. If they're hanging out here while they figure it out, it's all good.

Michele Cavalier link

8/23/2013 01:18:04 am

Hi Maggie,

I really enjoyed reading your post. Of course, I'm lagging behind all those friends and family who have kids in high school, college and /or beyond - many of them sending their kids off to college this year. I did not have a child until I was 42. I didn't even think I was going to have kids - but my daughter has changed my life and added a blessed era in my life that I am so grateful for.

I worry about so many things with my now 9 year old (and I now am 52!). I'm a single mom with this child who is solely my responsibility. I worry if I will live long enough - will I see her off to college? Will I see her marry? Will I see my first grandchild? I ponder how old I will be when she is ?. And will she be o.k.? How will she change as she enters those adolescent years? Have I done good enough? Because really - none of us can be a perfect parent no matter how much we try. It is a balancing act - a sweet, wonderful balancing act that has so many moving parts that we can't possibly keep on top of on any given day.

Probably just as important as what we have taught them, is how have they taught us and how have helped us on our own journey?

I unfortunately have not met Bella and Peter. I hope that one day I will meet them. From what I see they are wonderful kids on a good road, guided by a great, smart, thoughtful, kind, spirited Mother. They will certainly stumble and fall....but their foundation is firm...ever carrying them where they need to go.

I hope I have created that foundation for Madeleine. God knows I'm trying! I get down on my many imperfections as a Mom...yelliing, being emotionally unavailable at times, inconsistent....but I know she knows something that I was never sure of - that I love her with all my heart - and in the end that is all that really matters.

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:40:01 am

Your last sentence Michele ~ THAT says it all. She KNOWS you love her with all of your heart and that, THAT is what will make this whole journey worth all the speed bumps along the way.

You are doing everything possible to make certain Maddie has you around for a very long time. She is happy and beautiful and grounded and most certainly will give you a run for your money at some point. It's in the adolescent DNA to do so.

But it will quite a task for her to pull the wool over your eyes and I suspect because of your relationship, it will all be great even if there are moments it is not so great!

xo

Janie

8/23/2013 06:36:08 am

We all do too much. Most of us did more than our kids. It's a balancing act. I did so much in my teens - I swear I am rebelling now! My family thinks staples in this house are ramen noodles., Chef boyardee, Mac and cheese, cereal and frozen pancakes! I figure I am setting them up perfectly for college with those food groups!!! And well Brian doesn't care about food so it makes it easy! I just read an article at the beach about Kate gosselin and her 52 item daily chore list! The four girls I was with were shocked and in disbelief that such a chore list could exist. It made me think out loud that they should all be doing more!
In the meantime - life is about creating memories- hopefully the good ones outweigh the bad and the laughter outweighs the tears. They may not all be responsible when they leave the nest but with time, patience and support- one can hope they will have success!!

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:42:58 am

LOLOLOLOL

I love the food groups and you're right, they will be perfectly equipped to handle college. I saw that same article in People magazine about Kate and her eight. Madness. There would be mutiny here if I suggested something like that.

And memories galore, indeed your kids will have plenty of them - as will all our kids.

xo

Barb link

8/23/2013 06:42:47 am

I'm so happy to read this, because I have this same discussion in my head nearly every damned day.

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:43:42 am

Welcome to Parenting 101. Are we doing it right? Of course we are. Damnit.

Meredith

8/23/2013 08:12:34 am

Here's another thought to add to the pot of wisdom you're gathering today. What if it's not 1 and 10 (either you do too much for them or you do too little)? What if you find a shade of gray somewhere in a range between 2 and 9, and strive for that. A perfectly imperfect parent. What a great way to teach kids that they don't have to be perfect, but you do expect them to contribute to the family chores?

As the Mom of two lovely grown adults who have stumbled and bumbled their way into their own lives, as we all do, I would say that you've actually named a concern and a way to resolve that concern in one essay (Not easy to do, Ms. Maggie)!

You have one year left with Peter, two with Bella. What if you let them know that it's your job as a parent to be sure they're a little better prepared for Real Life than they are now, and this is going to be their "practice year?" Have them make a list of the things they'll have to do for themselves when they're in college, and mark each one as something they already do well, or something "they're not good at." And there's the list of things they get to "practice" in their last year (two years) home without you having to create it.

Post their lists somewhere visible, and make a Big Deal about how independent they will be when they're out on their own. Say things like, "Can you believe some kids don't learn how to do this before they leave home?" Celebrate their successes. Make it fun, and I'd bet, when it's time for college, they'll be a lot more confident about leaving home and Mom.

Just a thought. Might work for some of you, and not for others. It was a great incentive for my kids as they prepared for leaving the nest. And you already have GREAT kids, so it doesn't sound like you need to do anything about that except love them for being great.

Why not also make them independent young adults?

Maggie ~ TGHR

8/27/2013 11:49:20 am

Oh Meredith, if only I could add stickers to a chart and incentisize them with the thought of being more independent than some of their peers as they head off to college! Maybe gas cards could work... or cash... ;-)

They can certainly do basic tasks. And they will figure out whatever else it is they need to figure out. Of that, I am certain.

I am also certain we will continue to have small battles about bullshit stuff and move on once it resolves itself.

Both of them have spent time away from the house this summer - Bella in Hawaii and Peter at a program in Mercy College. They flourished, had a field day, and figured it out.

Kudos to all of us - we're giving them roots and wings!

xo

You're Only Human

Leave a Reply.

Maggie Pinque

Archives

Maggie Pinque